I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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