why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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