I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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