Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize