I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
