saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
