I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
