Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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