Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
