Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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