so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
