I'm drive I can fine osifer
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
