waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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