Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
