I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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