It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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