When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
