You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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