You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I love black thongs
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
