I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
