Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
