I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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