I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
