Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
