i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
