so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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