Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
