No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm sobbing to NWA
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
