I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
