Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
