Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
