I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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