I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I puked a lego.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
