I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize