OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize