I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
