Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
