At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
