hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Randomize
