i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
