Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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