I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
