I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
