I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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