I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
