one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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