I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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