She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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