dude i'm inner monologue high
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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