I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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