Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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