There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
