just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
