Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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