In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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