I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
