Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
