haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
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