I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
the liver wants what the liver wants
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
