I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
