if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
