I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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