I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
