OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
