I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
