I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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