I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize