He uses pillows to masturbate.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
